As we know, There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know There are known unknowns. That is to say We know there are some things We do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, The ones we don't know We don't know. ~D. Rumsfeld

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My weekend in Eilat

at Rosh Ha-Shana...

I arrived at the two-star hotel which I liked so much more than the most luxurious hotels I have ever stayed in during my life and .. was notified by phone that due to me suffering from high blood pressure I wasn't allowed to dive with the dolphins. That sank me into a deep sadness straight away but I wasn't going to let my trip down south being spoiled by it. And so... while walking the boulevard later on (wasn't going to sit in my hotel-room - that just wasn't an option) - I 'bumped' into a 'cruise' (that's how it's called in Israel if you float on a boat for more than 10 minutes) boat. Since I hadn't anything else to do anyway, I bought a ticket and joined the 'cruise'. It was 2 and a half hours in which I felt a pure sense of 'victory' (that I had been able to travel alone and enjoy it and not end up in a mental hospital like my ex said he would let me end up - like I wrote about in a former post) - stars on the water, water as blue as blue can be, me sitting at the bow -with behind me only children -in a kind of Jacuzzi - who were sprinkling me wet while their parents sat like real 'grown-ups' at tables on the upper deck. I found I was as free as a child again. We passed Aqaba and the border with Egypt. Photos hereunder will show the huge flag Jordan has put up there and an Egyptian soldier sitting in a watch-out shed overlooking all activities....

18-9-2009-aqaba3
18-9-2009-aqaba
18-9-2009-aqaba2
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-casino-oasis
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-my-world-stars-on-water
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-my-world3
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilatmy-world3
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-gambling-in-desert
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-soldier-and-his-flag

Before leaving Tel-Aviv's Sde Dov I noticed the Hercules I had seen many times hovering above my head before the defense attack on Gaza last year:
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-hercules
It always made a huge impression on me those days -while standing on my mezah and believing it was something like a B-52

After a totally unwinding 2-and-a-half hours on the waters of the Red Sea (not being responsible for any of the children on the boat who were having fun - and thus enjoying every bit of the stupidness they involved themselves in) - I saw a few things that caught my attention on the boulevard - a parakeet who was very obviously 'well trained' in one of the bastot selling whatever and a baby-turtle-dove near a palm tree. Later a boy came around and asked if the baby-dove was mine. When I answered negatively he tried to harass it upon which I didn't care if he were child or whatever - but threatening him told him that if he'd touch it I would..... After that he left the dove alone... I swear I would have hit him if he'd tried to hurt the poor bird:
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-baby-pigeon2
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-toeki2
18-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-toeki

I arrived at the hotel and met with my new friend - whom I never saw before I ever booked the hotel (and who's responsible for the fuck up regarding my diving and swimming with dolphins: but I forgive her). That evening we went out pubbing with the 'natives' - it was fun. It always is fun to meet new fun people... No photos though.

The next day I went to the Dolphin Reef where a free entrance ticket was awaiting me (besides the fact that every employee there knew who I was due to the fuck-up that happened leaving me deprived of exercising the thing I descended to Eilat for). - First I felt very sad seeing the 'new' divers entering the waters while I should have been amongst them but later on I synergized into my own little world with the dolphins who were coming very close to me (and not only me) - so it was OK. I swam at the Reef Beach (had to make use of my especially for the occasion bought swimming suit) - and then decided to move on: to the Mitzpeh Tat-Yameeh. Everything is done by taxies btw.
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-bulbul-on-chair
A Bulbul I saw eating a piece of bread off a chair (here they already fly away if you even as much as look at them)

19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-blue-fish2
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-blue-fish
Two Blue Fish who seemed to know they were safe from predators (like fishermen) - in the reserve waters surrounding the Mitzpeh

19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-anaconda
An Anaconda head sticking out of the water after I frightened him a bit -but from behind a glass partition obviously, hahahaha

19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-fish5
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-fish4
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-fish3
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-fish2
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-fish6
Fish surrounding me in the tat-yami observation (underwater) building

19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-crocodile-me-touching-hahaha
I'm touching a crocodile :D Can you believe it? No, of course not. I didn't but liked the impression as if I did.

19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-dolphin
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-dolphin4
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-dolphin7
The Dolphins, of course. They can't be held responsible for the frustration of me being prevented from meeting on eye-2-eye sight. They were adorable. And yet... somehow... I can't get rid of the feeling they've succumbed to being part of the 'show' as actors as the whole of that reef was set up: making money. What's in there for them? I don't know -

I heard about 'crocodile tears' ( in every language) - but this is crocodile love. I was so surprised to see them hug up with each other. I thought people could learn from them. Predators and yet.. so lovable to each other?
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-crocodile-love2

That evening we (my new Eilati friend and me) spent drinking Martini and just 'hanging out'. It was nice. Real nice.

Last day in Eilat. I had missed the thing I booked this trip for but had a great time despite that. So what to do on this last day? I thought camel riding was a thing 'tourist' did and why shouldn't I if I were a 'tourist in Eilat'? I never imagined the true relaxing emotions a camel could push through your body until I tried riding one. It was really, really, really: one of the most relaxing moments in my life. How can one be wrong about impressions or from what others say and I read?
20-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-diana-head3
This is Diana
20-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-diana-head
20-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-diana-head2
20-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-me-and-diana3
and me...Thank you, Diana. You are not only a most remarkable animal but also one of the biggest surprises I ever met..

I then went on to fulfill a wish I also had: to feel the exhilaration of 'flying' over the water in a jet-ski (having not been successful in lodging a hike from those jet-skiing -and smiling at me- before my mezah in the Nemaal in T.A.) - and yes, YES!!! It actually is just as exhilerating as I thought I would be and.. MORE! The cute young boy being destined to be my 'guide' told me to drive into territorial waters - separating Israel from Jordan and it was grandeur. The person hiring those jet-skies had told me I didn't have to pay if I didn't think the experience was absolutely fantastic. Well, I paid. I would have paid him even twice the amount he rented his jet-ski to me for: it was what I expected it to be and so, so MUCH more...
20-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-skijet
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-jetski

Some more photos of my miniscule little holiday (while everybody in the pub I visited with my new Eilati friend kissed my hand - in a medieval manner, such as in showing love AND respect, to me (to me???) - on my last night there..


Fly away (as I imagine myself while Chi Coltrane (click there( sings 'Eliyah' one of these days)
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-fly-away

The scurry little (but NOT really all that 'little') turtle made everybody to understand: 'don't enter my personal space because I will bite you'
19-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-turtle4

The peacocks who were really in synergy with me at the Camel Farm - until a group of Russians (I really don't them, what can I do?) came along:
20-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-peacock5
20-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-peacock4
20-9-2009-roshshanaeilat-peacock3

My biggest 'present' was that everybody in Eilat who I have met those days either kissed me or embraced me - I really needed this in order to feel a human being again. After all those years of having believed my 'me' depended on someone I now despise so very much...

Failure

to live up to my own decisions... Happened to me a few times already on various fronts. This time Yom Kipur. I broke down some 5 hours before the end of the fast. Am feeling very sad because of that. Makes me wonder how much I can trust myself at all...

There is another thing that I have been thinking about: impressions. Since I am getting fatter lately -hardly able to close my jeans- I was thinking about the impression 'fat people' give: being confident, in charge, not weak etc. While there could be such a fragile soul hiding underneath this outer casting. Like mine :-(

Still I can't get rid of the impression... Prejudices.... Why am I not able to get rid of those? Both for the sake of seeing through the "coating" and also for myself? Does it have to do with attraction and wanting to be liked or what?

Alles gaat voorbij....

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Yom Kipur

This will be the very first Yom Kipur I will be fasting out of my own free will. For 32 years I have been fasting because that was expected of me (or rather - demanded - and, like always when I feel I'm being pushed into something without having had the opportunity to come to a decision about it myself - I rebelled... but fasted). Now, this year, I will experience it differently (I hope. I will give an account afterwards).

That Friday, when I wrote my previous entry here, I was in the yang mood (of my yin-yang sways that control my life) and decided to walk a path of being 'bad' (my 'bad' = yang). Luckily enough providence guarded me (like it did in other occasions in the past which were directly concerning 'me' -my soul). Thanks also to a remarkable person I have the privilege of knowing and who choose the right thing. Thank YOU!

And so, Saturday morning I felt so bad. You see, my yin 'me' has no control over my yang 'me' other than the authority to let it go free sometimes. But when it's free it wants to go until the very end. Afterwards when 'yin' is coming back it usually feels horrible about all that 'yang' has done....

The photos are of that journey: Saturday morning when 'yin' tried to act as if all was OK - though feeling very ashamed of yang.

1) an unknown bird. the first time I ever saw this kind of bird....
2) a Libelle (dragonfly) - who looked amazing with its wings reflecting the light of the rays of the sun (which, unfortunately) cannot be seen on the photo :(
3) Mr. Kingfisher - totally oblivious of the star on the water which made this sight so beautiful.
4) A bee. Totally disappearing in the cane of a bulb flower (fake flower) growing on Fairytaletree.
5) A caterpillar (I doubted and thought perhaps it's a worm but it has 'feet') - a fishermen who uses worms left for dead on the railing at the pond in the Nemaal - but who wasn't dead (I wanted to end his suffering but I cannot kill animals - even not if that is more merciful, arghhhh )
6) the pure magic of Fairytaletree who keeps me in his spell no matter how many times we meet....

Hatima Tova. May -for whoever this applies- you find peace of mind.


26-9-2009-unknown-bird2
26-9-2009-libelle4
26-9-2009-kingfisher-and-stars
26-9-2009-fairytaletree-magic3
26-9-2009-caterpillar
26-9-2009-fairytaletree-magic2

Friday, September 25, 2009

Kadish

This weekend is the Jewish Yom Kipur. A day of Atonement. Forgiveness. Self-reflection. But I wonder... why only one day a year? Aren't we (humanity) supposed to do so each and every day? What's the use of hurting someone and then, months later, ask for forgiveness? The months that passed were then an ordeal in itself for that person. An extra debit on the account of the one waiting for Yom Kippur.

Religion has taken from me more than it has given me. Much, much more because I don't see that it has given me anything at all. My believe in God was, is and stays. There's no doubt about that. But religion? NO! What (so-called 'wise') people interpret and therefore try to make me see their way, as if they're God's representatives on earth, doesn't impress me at all. There is no one, I repeat NO ONE, between me and God. So let them (those so-called 'wise people') stuff it.

Now I am sitting here trying to figure out if I should fast at all. I've always done it out of fear ("if you don't do it you will die in the coming year" - but I am not afraid to die anymore) and out of a feeling "if it doesn't add it also doesn't hurt". (in Dutch "baat het niet schaadt het niet").

I am angry. Very, very angry. Angry at "religion" that it has taken from me the most precious loves I had in this life. I am trying to figure out where the line is between "religion" (which I despise) and "believe" (because my believe in God is rock-solid). Based on that I will or will not fast.

Following are the photos of this morning. During the middle of next week I will post the photos and an account of my stay in Eilat during Rosh Ha-Shana.

The photos of today are of waves at the puddle in the middle of my mezah (showing that it was windy -northern wind- today) and the ever appearing stars on the water caused by the rays of the sun and,
a photo of Fairytaletree in whose company I spent a rather long time this morning. Its spell still holds the same magic on me as when I met him for the first time :) People seeing me sitting there mesmerizing are funny rather. They either look strange at me or curiously or stand still and try to see what I see. I wonder.... do they?

25-9-2009-mezah-puddle-waves-and-stars
25-9-2009-fairytaletree

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I'm free

Though terribly disappointed I was refused to dive with the dolphins at the Dolphin Reef in Eilat this weekend (the only reason I travelled there) I had the most amazing experiences during my time spent in Eilat. One of the very first of those amazing experiences was when I -out of resent, out of wanting to rebel and to say "well, if I'm here I might as well take up any experience that comes my way" - went on a "shite" (miniscule 'cruise') on the Red Sea and some feeling of total freedom came down upon me while standing at the bow of the boat that carried tens of families with shouting and screaming children. I felt so lucky that I was totally free of that (but still had superdeluxe great contact with those children because they must have 'felt' my inner child) - and then.... I thought about how I was wished to be carried out of the apartment we owned -my ex and me- on a stretcher into a mental hospital, or to an ambulance straight to the grave-yard by my ex, so many, many times - and I just couldn't suppress the feeling of victory of having gained this terribly exhilarating and dream-like feeling of freedom instead of the doom he wished upon me.


If only he could see me now:

Monday, September 14, 2009

Shout it out

The Foul Mood keeps hanging on. At the moment I am at the stage of wanting to shout it all out. All those negative and unfair things that have happened to me, have been done to me, and for so long and still not ended...

The following clip is a stills take of my mood, I keep playing it over and over again. No, not a screaming out loud song but a rather quiet tune, as if anger controlled but telling it all. The words don't even have meaning to me, only the chorus is setting the tone and what I want to say...

I'm sooooooo fed-up with being 'the good girl'. I bet that if I would have been a real bad brat all my life I would have had much more luck. I wish I could turn into a bad person. I really wish... I want to disable my feelings. Can someone tell me how to do that?



Saturday, September 12, 2009

Foul mood

My mood wasn't all that good to start with due to complex family matters but it doesn't get any better hearing the sad news about my brother in law. I've been arguing with people lately and that's usually not my style but today I was very rude. I walked near Rabbit Hill and since a woman once told me that there's someone who's hunting those rabbits I noticed this man (a foreign worker) in the bushes at Rabbit Hill. Afterwards he also acted very strange leaving his bicycle (with huge garbage bags on it) near the hill and wandering around aimlessly when he saw me. So I decided to keep an eye on him. Well - he waited and waited for me to go and when I didn't he came to me very angry and asking what's my problem. I told him and he started arguing etc. etc. In the end I just told him that I warn him and that is it.

Photos of Palestine Sunbirds (just because I like them) x 2.
A (dead) butterfly drifting on the water in the puddle at my mezah this morning while the sun casted it all in such beautiful light.
Mr. Kingfisher keeping a keen eye on the water at his regular place near the boardwalk.
A kitty I saw sitting at the far end of Crab Rock and when 'hunting' for fish the sea threw such beautiful stars of sunshine to her.
3 photos of a 'strange' shrub with beautiful flowers. The shrub has no leaves at all and also is the only one of his kind standing at Nordau Ave., while the wasps and bees were having a ball with it. It looked so very out of place that, when seeing me photography it, a few bypassers were standing still near me and also wondered about it.
The flower I am always smelling on when on route to the Nemaal but finally would so very much like to know the name of.
(All in opposite order)

12-9-2009-what-flower-is-this
12-9-2009-strange-plant
12-9-2009-strange-plant-and-wasp
12-9-2009-strange-plant-and-wasp2
12-9-2009-keep-ur-eye-on-the-sparrow
12-9-2009-butterfly-floating-on-water
12-9-2009-becoz-i-like-it2
12-9-2009-becoz-i-like-it