Keeping head above water

It seems that I keep just losing more and more and more. When I have not yet gotten used to one thing the next is already bombarded upon me. And it never is something nice. Damn, what have I done to deserve this? I'm on my own now. Totally. That's it. Well, who knows, maybe this is my lesson to be learned during this life: to start to love and respect myself - without having loved ones doing that for me.

The sun threw it's rays through the empty recycle crate in the street this morning creating a kinda flowery funny face shadow on the pavement:

I've seen this before and still think it's weird: a palm tree with berries growing on it:

The White Silk Floss was blooming like there's no tomorrow:

At Fairytaletree I noticed two branches had hooked up and looked like they were embracing each other:

They have taken down all those voluptuous trees that were situated at the crossing of Nordau and Ibn Gvirol. It looks boring without them:

This tree near the Hilton Hotel is huge. The opening at the foot is big enough to be considered a hut:

Yesterday would have been my father's birthday.

Last day of October

Haven't written here because I felt too much down. I still do. It's now (after a while that I am not in a situation that I have to daily defend myself against insane aggressiveness) that I start to realize that I've been "had". Coming to Israel for the sole purpose of a man who I gave all my love to and him treating me as his enemy (why the F* didn't he just separate from me??) has resulted in his threats having come true - both my children now are living in 'his world' with one I have lost forever and the other becoming more and more intolerant to my conviction in life.

Those wounds can't be healed. Mrs. Naivety doesn't even have the power to try anymore. Perhaps for some religion is a life-saver but for me, it has destroyed my life when it was taken as a weapon against me. I feel like hiding in my shell and just wait for the end. But 'life' is forcing me to deal with it. Daily. Unimportant things, like work and money. I'm just fed-up.

In the meanwhile though I keep on letting all the beautiful things (that nature offers for free) enchant me to the core of my heart and let me forget my hurt for the duration I am seeing those wonderful views...

Today at the Nemaal:

A gorgeous butterfly that followed me at least 50 meters on my route to the Nemaal:

The sea who took yet another two lives yesterday but is too magical to be angry at, and the skies that were magic as if calling to ascend to the 'light'. The stars on the water who played between the vision of my eyes connecting them through to my heart that got all warm

yesterday

the photos I took yesterday - again showing what I think is beautiful in this life. not that I think life is beautiful but at least those little treasures are giving some light in it:

succoth

Yesterday evening, when the holiday started, I closed the windows and put on the airconditioning because I didn't want to hear the cheerful voices of children and parents straight down my window in the sukkah they had built. I am finally starting to digest what has happened to me over a period of 32 years and the fact that no matter how I tried I still ended up being practically alone in this country. Having been occupied by defending myself against a character who is so insane that even I, a wushwush, couldn't accept its abnormalities and attacks, took my mind of the big line: I was being pushed out of my own family. I hold on to believing in God and Justice because that is the only thing I can do since I personally don't want to become a bitter and revengeful person - but, it is hard since because I don't want to become that kind of a person, it makes me turn those feelings against myself. I just have to let go of all this blooming negativity and evilness that has been thrown upon me under the guise of him talking himself out of it each and every time with cheating, lying and downright indoctrination of our children. I don't own the convincing powers, the vocabulary - the mere nerve to lie only to 'further my own interests' like my counter-party did and still has. It is unnerving to see how bad is rewarded like it is: him having both the children following him and believing he's Mr. Goodness On Earth while he is nothing but a lying, cheating and abusive beast.

So, I'm still yin-yanging with my behavior. I do bad things (virtually) and feel sorry about it later. I hope I won't let myself give in to it IRL. But it is hard. I really, really feel the urge to let my bad side go wild. Just so it will clear the air within me.... Or........... will it?

First thing I saw today were a few vinous breasted starlings:

I only caught one on camera - and not a very good photo as well because the buggers usually (like all other birds) straight away fly away when they see me only reach for my camera.

Looking up when waiting at a red traffic light I saw this gorgeous view (dadels) dates up high, high in the tree:

When I reached Fairytaletree the first thing I saw were the two lovely rabbits also enjoying Fairytaletree's magic:

And the bees were there again as well, as usual:

My mezah was very busy. Too busy for my liking. So, I sat a little away from the end where the fishermen had gathered (though was greeted very enthusiastically by them) - and while quietly observing my immediate surroundings (as I always do) - I noticed a little fish swimming out to me in the puddle in the middle of the mezah - that's strange because fish usually swim away from you fast when they notice human movement. So, I took my "aroma-at-the-nemaal" plastic cup and caught him in it. He really seemed to expect me to do so because he entered the cup calmly. I looked at him and decided not to frighten him more than was absolutely necessary so released him into the sea without taking a photo of him. Though he was so sweet!!!

FisherWOman was there and not in a very good mood because her rod had broken (but she was still able to fish) - I didn't offer to get into the sea and release the stick that had broken off for her. The underwater rocks that cover the bottom are much more slippery at the end of summer than they are before and I didn't feel like ending up injuring myself. She caught a small fish and threw it at our 'middle-of-the-road' cat.

I'm in a tsunami of mixed feelings at the moment and although nature -and to me the sea and its surroundings are the top of the cream in that respect- is beautiful and telling me I should concentrate on that, I don't think life is all that much of a 'wonder' at all: the pain is overpowering the beauty...

My weekend in Eilat

at Rosh Ha-Shana...

I arrived at the two-star hotel which I liked so much more than the most luxurious hotels I have ever stayed in during my life and .. was notified by phone that due to me suffering from high blood pressure I wasn't allowed to dive with the dolphins. That sank me into a deep sadness straight away but I wasn't going to let my trip down south being spoiled by it. And so... while walking the boulevard later on (wasn't going to sit in my hotel-room - that just wasn't an option) - I 'bumped' into a 'cruise' (that's how it's called in Israel if you float on a boat for more than 10 minutes) boat. Since I hadn't anything else to do anyway, I bought a ticket and joined the 'cruise'. It was 2 and a half hours in which I felt a pure sense of 'victory' (that I had been able to travel alone and enjoy it and not end up in a mental hospital like my ex said he would let me end up - like I wrote about in a former post) - stars on the water, water as blue as blue can be, me sitting at the bow -with behind me only children -in a kind of Jacuzzi - who were sprinkling me wet while their parents sat like real 'grown-ups' at tables on the upper deck. I found I was as free as a child again. We passed Aqaba and the border with Egypt. Photos hereunder will show the huge flag Jordan has put up there and an Egyptian soldier sitting in a watch-out shed overlooking all activities....

Before leaving Tel-Aviv's Sde Dov I noticed the Hercules I had seen many times hovering above my head before the defense attack on Gaza last year:

It always made a huge impression on me those days -while standing on my mezah and believing it was something like a B-52

After a totally unwinding 2-and-a-half hours on the waters of the Red Sea (not being responsible for any of the children on the boat who were having fun - and thus enjoying every bit of the stupidness they involved themselves in) - I saw a few things that caught my attention on the boulevard - a parakeet who was very obviously 'well trained' in one of the bastot selling whatever and a baby-turtle-dove near a palm tree. Later a boy came around and asked if the baby-dove was mine. When I answered negatively he tried to harass it upon which I didn't care if he were child or whatever - but threatening him told him that if he'd touch it I would..... After that he left the dove alone... I swear I would have hit him if he'd tried to hurt the poor bird:

I arrived at the hotel and met with my new friend - whom I never saw before I ever booked the hotel (and who's responsible for the fuck up regarding my diving and swimming with dolphins: but I forgive her). That evening we went out pubbing with the 'natives' - it was fun. It always is fun to meet new fun people... No photos though.

The next day I went to the Dolphin Reef where a free entrance ticket was awaiting me (besides the fact that every employee there knew who I was due to the fuck-up that happened leaving me deprived of exercising the thing I descended to Eilat for). - First I felt very sad seeing the 'new' divers entering the waters while I should have been amongst them but later on I synergized into my own little world with the dolphins who were coming very close to me (and not only me) - so it was OK. I swam at the Reef Beach (had to make use of my especially for the occasion bought swimming suit) - and then decided to move on: to the Mitzpeh Tat-Yameeh. Everything is done by taxies btw.

A Bulbul I saw eating a piece of bread off a chair (here they already fly away if you even as much as look at them)

Two Blue Fish who seemed to know they were safe from predators (like fishermen) - in the reserve waters surrounding the Mitzpeh

An Anaconda head sticking out of the water after I frightened him a bit -but from behind a glass partition obviously, hahahaha

Fish surrounding me in the tat-yami observation (underwater) building

I'm touching a crocodile :D Can you believe it? No, of course not. I didn't but liked the impression as if I did.

The Dolphins, of course. They can't be held responsible for the frustration of me being prevented from meeting on eye-2-eye sight. They were adorable. And yet... somehow... I can't get rid of the feeling they've succumbed to being part of the 'show' as actors as the whole of that reef was set up: making money. What's in there for them? I don't know -

I heard about 'crocodile tears' ( in every language) - but this is crocodile love. I was so surprised to see them hug up with each other. I thought people could learn from them. Predators and yet.. so lovable to each other?

That evening we (my new Eilati friend and me) spent drinking Martini and just 'hanging out'. It was nice. Real nice.

Last day in Eilat. I had missed the thing I booked this trip for but had a great time despite that. So what to do on this last day? I thought camel riding was a thing 'tourist' did and why shouldn't I if I were a 'tourist in Eilat'? I never imagined the true relaxing emotions a camel could push through your body until I tried riding one. It was really, really, really: one of the most relaxing moments in my life. How can one be wrong about impressions or from what others say and I read?

This is Diana

and me...Thank you, Diana. You are not only a most remarkable animal but also one of the biggest surprises I ever met..

I then went on to fulfill a wish I also had: to feel the exhilaration of 'flying' over the water in a jet-ski (having not been successful in lodging a hike from those jet-skiing -and smiling at me- before my mezah in the Nemaal in T.A.) - and yes, YES!!! It actually is just as exhilerating as I thought I would be and.. MORE! The cute young boy being destined to be my 'guide' told me to drive into territorial waters - separating Israel from Jordan and it was grandeur. The person hiring those jet-skies had told me I didn't have to pay if I didn't think the experience was absolutely fantastic. Well, I paid. I would have paid him even twice the amount he rented his jet-ski to me for: it was what I expected it to be and so, so MUCH more...

Some more photos of my miniscule little holiday (while everybody in the pub I visited with my new Eilati friend kissed my hand - in a medieval manner, such as in showing love AND respect, to me (to me???) - on my last night there..

Fly away (as I imagine myself while Chi Coltrane (click there( sings 'Eliyah' one of these days)

The scurry little (but NOT really all that 'little') turtle made everybody to understand: 'don't enter my personal space because I will bite you'

The peacocks who were really in synergy with me at the Camel Farm - until a group of Russians (I really don't them, what can I do?) came along:

My biggest 'present' was that everybody in Eilat who I have met those days either kissed me or embraced me - I really needed this in order to feel a human being again. After all those years of having believed my 'me' depended on someone I now despise so very much...

Failure

to live up to my own decisions... Happened to me a few times already on various fronts. This time Yom Kipur. I broke down some 5 hours before the end of the fast. Am feeling very sad because of that. Makes me wonder how much I can trust myself at all...

There is another thing that I have been thinking about: impressions. Since I am getting fatter lately -hardly able to close my jeans- I was thinking about the impression 'fat people' give: being confident, in charge, not weak etc. While there could be such a fragile soul hiding underneath this outer casting. Like mine :-(

Still I can't get rid of the impression... Prejudices.... Why am I not able to get rid of those? Both for the sake of seeing through the "coating" and also for myself? Does it have to do with attraction and wanting to be liked or what?

Alles gaat voorbij....

Yom Kipur

This will be the very first Yom Kipur I will be fasting out of my own free will. For 32 years I have been fasting because that was expected of me (or rather - demanded - and, like always when I feel I'm being pushed into something without having had the opportunity to come to a decision about it myself - I rebelled... but fasted). Now, this year, I will experience it differently (I hope. I will give an account afterwards).

That Friday, when I wrote my previous entry here, I was in the yang mood (of my yin-yang sways that control my life) and decided to walk a path of being 'bad' (my 'bad' = yang). Luckily enough providence guarded me (like it did in other occasions in the past which were directly concerning 'me' -my soul). Thanks also to a remarkable person I have the privilege of knowing and who choose the right thing. Thank YOU!

And so, Saturday morning I felt so bad. You see, my yin 'me' has no control over my yang 'me' other than the authority to let it go free sometimes. But when it's free it wants to go until the very end. Afterwards when 'yin' is coming back it usually feels horrible about all that 'yang' has done....

The photos are of that journey: Saturday morning when 'yin' tried to act as if all was OK - though feeling very ashamed of yang.

1) an unknown bird. the first time I ever saw this kind of bird....

2) a Libelle (dragonfly) - who looked amazing with its wings reflecting the light of the rays of the sun (which, unfortunately) cannot be seen on the photo :(

3) Mr. Kingfisher - totally oblivious of the star on the water which made this sight so beautiful.

4) A bee. Totally disappearing in the cane of a bulb flower (fake flower) growing on Fairytaletree.

5) A caterpillar (I doubted and thought perhaps it's a worm but it has 'feet') - a fishermen who uses worms left for dead on the railing at the pond in the Nemaal - but who wasn't dead (I wanted to end his suffering but I cannot kill animals - even not if that is more merciful, arghhhh )

6) the pure magic of Fairytaletree who keeps me in his spell no matter how many times we meet....

Hatima Tova. May -for whoever this applies- you find peace of mind.