As we know, There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know There are known unknowns. That is to say We know there are some things We do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, The ones we don't know We don't know. ~D. Rumsfeld

Sunday, April 4, 2010


i think this 'diary' has done its job and i am now in a stage of moving on...

that's why i won't be writing here anymore.

also i will break contact with all of you here who have been a great support to me all through these three very difficult years of my life. it's not that i don't care about you anymore. it's more that life moves on and if one doesn't take the decision to do so one never will (jump through that new window that has opened after a door has closed).

all of you will know what I mean.

i will leave this final post on this blog to all of you who have helped me, supported me, lend me their shoulder to cry on and made me feel that i'm not as useless and undeserving as i thought i was during the last three years.

a new period has presented itself to me and i'm gonna face it with much more strength and confidence, mostly due to all of your support, than i ever thought possible.

Thank you ALL of my friends. You will never be forgotten by me.

BUT =====>> this is 'it'.

A period of my life has finished and I gotta face it. Hopefully you will carry my memory without grudge. My very best wishes to all of you are here. Please, please accept them....

I really love you all... and you all will be remembered by me with love... we were like ships passing through the night and warming each other. We all moved on. And, I wish all of you ONLY the best. May life treat you well,

yours truly,

Saturday, April 3, 2010

After having spent an intensely busy morning running to obtain flannel baby undershirts (though there's a heat-wave in Israel at this moment and the 'summer collection' doesn't include flannel baby clothes, strangely enough) and zinc cream I remembered helped like a miracle when the mother of my granddaughter was a tiny newborn baby herself and suffering from shining red buttocks.. - and bringing it to their home and then (after not being able to part from my granddaughter) running back to my own home to meet Hana whom was going to spend the weekend with me on Friday...... (long sentence, hey? :D )

..... I finally got it all done. I happily let Hana prepare dinner for us (after having been to the supermarket with her first and bought all she needed in order to prepare this dinner). Klaas was so exhausted from all this running around that he didn't even feel like going out on his usual evening walk later on. And, so he didn't. Hehehe...

It seems I am tiring him out completely anyway. It happened again today. Hana, Klaas and me did the 'park route' to the Nemaal and ... because Hana doesn't travel on Shabbat ... the whole way back again. This left both Hana and Klaas stumbling way back behind me (I am used to walking long distances and actually thoroughly enjoy it) and complaining about exhaustion. Hahahahhaa.... I could have easily done the whole thing over again from starting point - but Khalas :D

Photos of this extremely wonderful weekend are below:

Grandma on a swing:

Hana on a swing:

A leaf that looks like pure lace:

"Reflections" - a thing both Hana and me noticed when turning the corner at the end of the boardwalk at the Nemaal:
The reflection of the sea in the window of what was once a weddinghall right opposite the sea. The windows of this hall made the sea appear as if on 'our laps'. Xtremely 'real'.

A heron or egret from rather far away - but with the dimples in the water it stood in formed such an extra-ordinary relaxing and calming sight:

A flower so huge it seemed it was constructed of many tiny flowers having formed a 'union' and a sort of roof organisation:

Hana didn't wanna go up the Reading mezah (recently opened to the public at large) so I went up there by myself and she sat waiting for me, together with Klaas...
The feeling of being at the end of the world, all alone with nothing but pure nature (the sea) around you is indescribably overwhelming to me that I couldn't let this chance go by and left both my friend and my dog for over more than half an hour in order to take it all in:

There also was a Shag. There was nothing, you see nothing, but... water and skies (and from far away the coastline with its ugly buildings) and then all of a sudden a Shag's head dives up from the water...

OK. And that's it. Both Klaas and Hana are in deep sleep now when I am writing these words... Hahahhahaha... I suppose it's a matter of habit because honestly I could do the walk over again without hesitating a moment ;-)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

So many emotions

are my part lately. The most overwhelming emotion is happiness obviously due to the major change that took place last week and shot me over the moon. And... tomorrow I am going to see my granddaughter: I finally won the battle against the flu that attacked me and can safely see her without the fear of infecting her. I cannot think of anything else. I so much hope I'm allowed to hold this little bundle of happiness in my arms. I cannot wait...

Yesterday I got a very nice surprise at work. A present for the birth of my granddaughter. I never knew grannies also got presents. I was close to tears. Thought this was such a lovely gesture. It deeply moved me.

It's strange but although most people who surround me keep complaining about how bad people are (the most prominent and in the extreme was my ex but he's just one of so many) what I personally encounter is that people are actually very sweet. Perhaps I am lucky enough to meet only the people that are nice?

And so... this morning I set off to walk my route again though this isn't a Friday or Shabbat - but it's a national (religious) holiday: Pesach. The first thing that enters my head when I know I've got a day off is that I'll be able to walk to the Nemaal. Must sound pretty boring to people who like diversity in their life but I find all the diversity I 'need' each and every time I do that very same route (tho it has changed ever since I know the park-route)because I find new things that capture me that I didn't notice or weren't there last time.

This time there also was another dilemma in my head I have to deal with. When I thought about "don't do upon others what you don't want done upon you" (my rock solid principle and well imprinted in my character) - I got into serious trouble because suddenly that's not as easy to follow as it always used to be ...

I'm putting dealing with it off till later. I so much want to enjoy the happiness that has befallen upon me suddenly - I've had so much pain about it when it was sour and about things related to it. I just want to enjoy now.

My conscience: forgive me .... please.

This little dead flower and stem were hanging on to a bush by a thread a spider had left behind. Waiting to fall... It somehow made me feel sad. Sometimes things are like that: hanging on a thread..

And now some thanks... I found this sign (though I've passed there at least 20 times before and never seen it) - and wanted to say thank you. To those people, whoever they were, because -especially this side of the park: the Ramat-Gan side- lifts my spirits so terribly much each time I walk there:

An intimate parrot moment (who holds parrots knows those are frequent, hahaha) in 'the wild'. Not the best photo quality-wise but so endearing. I just have to place it here:

As can be noticed if one reads this blog: I'm not all that good in 'names'. Not for birds, not for flowers or trees. So, when I saw this flower I thought it looks like a "Madeliefje" (very common flower in the fields in the Netherlands) but am not sure:

I think I've placed a photo of this 'thing' earlier on in this blog but can't find it. Anyway, today I decided to touch it. It's hanging from one of the species of a palm tree and when I touched it large clouds of white powder blew away from it.
Intriguing, no?

Near the Nemaal (still the Yarkon) I noticed this gorgeous flower. Between the thick, fat, short and extremely dark, green leaves - it's color stood out so unbelievably beautifully:

This is a photo of a fly sitting on a snail-house that, at his turn, is sitting on a leaf.

At animal prison I noticed this ram. He looks like an old wise man with his huge hoornen and sikkie (both dutch words - "I hope", hahaha)

They also had a 'strange animal' there. When I asked the people around me about it they said it was a kind of kangaroo (not a kangaroo but a species of it and looking like it - which it did only a lot smaller, I imagine) - Isn't that sad? Locking up an animal that should be jumping around happily in a cage?

Lots of more experiences and sights I enjoyed today but it would take too much to describe it all.

When we (Klaas and me) were ready to take the Sherut back home again I was refused 3 times (!) because they refused to take a dog with them, those damn drivers, grrrrr. Only when I started threatening I would report them did the next Sherut driver agree to take me with him.

Tomorrow is my big day :-) This day was just passing the time. Nobody can understand what it means to be a grandmother until..... they become one. And, especially this grandmother: after all that is now the past.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


Since I wrote last week so much has happened. Or, perhaps not much, but something so intensely dramatic (in the good sense) that my head and heart have only been busy with that. Won't go into details (because there's someone whom I love very much who doesn't like me to write those on the internet) but all who 'know' me, know...

I am the happiest person on the face of the earth at this moment. Cannot understand how one can go from feeling so sad into feeling so complete again... But, I am thrilled and feel happy down to my guts that this happened.

And so... except for wishing this flu or cold, or whatever it is that is attacking me and is at this stage the only obstacle having me stay away from my granddaughter, will pass soon, I haven't been doing very much this week (except of course for working, blahhh) - This Friday, while having to 'de-hametz' the apartment I live in for Pesach that's coming up this Monday, I thought I'll get me a cough syrup. I have been -at one time- addicted to this cough syrup but thought I would take the chance anyway because it is an excellent medicine that really helps. The lady selling me the med in the pharmacy warned me about this coughing syrup. "It's very strong" - well little does she know that without the codeine they took out of it it isn't having the same effect anymore as it did before. But.... this friendly lady gave me lots of advice about grandma's meds that would help me get better (in order to see my granddaughter) - One of these tips was eating chicken soup, garlic and onion. So, I did the impossible and cooked for myself an impossible soup :D Just cut up the onions, the (10 or so) garlics and with 2 chicken legs let it simmer for hours... To be honest: it was quite tasty. However... after having eaten nothing but this chicken soup now for 2 days in a row I'm quite disgusted with it. Still: IT HELPED!!! Not yet feeling a 100% but at least returning to feeling human again.

And so... this morning... got up quite early (due to the moving of the clock to summer time) - and got into a conversation on skype with someone who made me realize I shouldn't stay home today - though this is what I intended to do since it was raining and I feared obstructing the progress in my getting healthy quickly again.

An overview in photos:

This is what I saw when I opened the shutters this morning while day light hadn't landed here yet. An electricity line that seemed to have been decorated with gorgeous little lights, only....... those were raindrops!


"The" raindrop stayed pretty much the subject that accompanied me on my route to the Nemaal this day. See the following photos and dare to protest that they aren't little mood lifters...


Everywhere they were around like magnetizing brittle shining diamonds.... My eyes couldn't get enough of them.

This perfect contrast looking weed (or whatever it is) - also caught my attention because of its beauty. Especially against the backsetting...


When I got to the 'zoo' (animal prison if you ask me, but OK.. don't wanna sound too negative) - I saw two birds showing off their tails to each other. I wonder what those birds are? Here are 2 photos of them:


Because the peacock is supposed to be the one getting all attention because of his (beautiful) feathers I also made a photo of him, so he wouldn't feel jealous :D


At the Nemaal things were rather grey. Somehow I had expected the sea to put up a special performance because of the major change I experienced last week but... no :(
He was grey-ish and the skies were as well. Too rough to sit at the end of my mezah (for weeks on row already now) and too docile to enjoy a great show ... Also didn't meet Ms.Cat


Other things that happened to me today are that a biker (cyclist) cursed me (or, rather my mother - a 'famous' Israeli curse) because I was walking on the biker's side of the path in the park. But blow him!! I like that side of the path better so he can just stuff it.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

From the beginning...

... of the day (Shabbat) -

Venturing out to give Klaas at least a small walk in where he can do what he needs to do (until it was time to start the route to the Nemaal) - I took the road to the synagogue at the end of this street I live in that offers a magnificent view at the end of it. I didn't take photos though. Don't know why... But I saw a Nesher soaring through the skies there and that's a sight I don't get to see all that often.

On the way back home I noticed a root of a (or more) tree(s) that had fought his way down barren rock (on top of that rock the trees were blooming). I found that so very endearing that I had to take a photo of that of course:


I then went up to see what this thing was all about and found that there are actually houses built there that can still enjoy the environment of nature in the midst of this concrete hell Ramat Gan is becoming. They have their own little back yard looking as if cultivation is a bad word (which I also think it is)


The poppy flowers looked so passionate in their attraction to the sun that it had my heart turned mellow:


And then... afterwards we (Klaas & me) set out to walking to the Nemaal using the Park's route (which leaves me with feelings of guilt of not seeing 'my' Fairytaletree - whom I have confided so many secrets in and who has given me so much support during the last 2 years). I have to make a note to NEVER set out this late anymore on a Shabbat walking the park. There were too many people there to be able to enjoy the nature there. But still.... I wouldn't have wanted to miss for the world the glorious sights the flowers and trees were showering upon me. Have a look:


I really could have done without the smells of the many BBQ's flaring there tho...

At the nemaal things were 'as usual'. As usual for a Shabbat that is. Again: too many people. It's not that I don't enjoy having people around me because I honestly do but, not when I long to be 'secluded' with nature and my environment for a while.

The Pied Kingfisher was giving a show (well, actually not - he was just looking for food, but to me it was a show) and I tried to get him on camera as best as I could considering the bright sun that was affecting my lense:


Though the second photo seems very bad I do kinda like it anyway because of the contrasts...

And there were MANY kitesurfers today. The wind was north-west (usually is south) and it was far from warm but I suppose those wetsuits they are wearing must be keeping them warm. The wind in any case was cooperating with them...


I like to see kitesurfing. It gives a special little cachet and makes me feel happy...

Thursday, March 18, 2010


Just as eerie as this whole situation makes me feel -meaning the break down avalanche in slow motion of everything I thought was normal in family life- just as eerie were the skies when I left work this afternoon. This was after having struggled myself through a 'normal' working day awaiting the results of an initiation I took that I wasn't sure it would be perceived by one of the two true loves in my life as I intended it to be.

Eerie is the word...

Both clear blue skies and threatening huge grey clouds were all around me while the sun tried to fight a way underneath those clouds probably hoping to bring some warmth there where grey (symbolizing dulled pain) was overhead.



Wednesday, March 17, 2010


To try to make sense of all of my contradicting feelings I -of course- took refuge at the only place that serves as my natural psychologist:

the sea...